Tipping, The Great Wedding Mystery

Recently, while attending to the trusty wedding budget, J. and I realized that while we had estimated a hefty amount for tips we would pay on the wedding day, we really had no idea where the amount would end up.  Of course, we knew with near-exact precision how much gratuity would be paid as part of the reception cost, and how much would be paid to the maitre d', so that had already been dealt with in another budgetary line item.  But we began to wonder, who and what exactly are you supposed to tip with respect to the other wedding  vendors?

On one hand, we are already paying through the nose for this wedding.  On the other hand, we have gotten reasonable prices for every service we are receiving, and these vendors have, so far, been very good to us.  Plus, it is the holiday season, not the time to be stingy.  But in this recession, it is not the time to go nuts with the spending either.  What's a girl to do?

According to The Martha's tipping guide, you are only supposed to tip people who do not own the business providing the service.  So for example, you might tip the floral delivery man, but not the florist who owns the flower shop.  You might tip a photograher's assistant, but not the photographer if they own their own studio (compare with tipping a photograher who does not own the studio but merely works for the studio).  Martha says that vendors price their requirements into your contract and don't expect to be tipped more, and so you are off the hook with respect to those vendors once you pay the contracted amount.

But east coast tipping protocol seems to be a bit more generous than the Martha guide suggests, and I'm inclined to agree with the approach.  Under the guidelines I received from my day-of coordinator, we should tip photographers and videographers and then we also should tip each band member (with a little extra for those who play during cocktail hour).  This makes sense to me, especially in light of the holiday season. 

I've heard suggestions that tipping generously before the service is provided (such as before the band plays or before dinner is served) sometimes helps to ensure the service will be excellent.  Others say you should not pay until after the service has been provided, and only if provided well.  Me, I'm planning to hand the envelopes to my day-of coordinator and say "they are marked by recipient, please tip when appropriate."  Rather than try to figure it all out, I'm just going to trust the experts on this.   We're also paying quite a bit to make sure that the band and photographers/videographers get to eat at some point during the evening, so I think with the gratuity, that's pretty fair, right? 

But what I really want to know is- if you pay thousands of dollars in fees for your church, should you still make a donation or are you ok?  I've asked around and everyone has a different opinion.  And I'm clearly not an expert on this subject.  My coordinator says we're paying enough and don't need to worry about it, and I'm inclined to agree, but I'm obviously biased.  Fellow brides and former brides out there, what is your take on tipping protocol?

I guess the moral of the story is that I need to put go to the bank and get a boat load of $20's and $50's on our wedding to-do list! :)

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