When You Can't Change the Wind...

You know, I've been writing about cheerful things for many months now (weddings! babies! cute outfits!) but frankly, lately I've been feeling pretty blah.  They say early marriage can be stressful, and who ever "they" are weren't kidding, but it has not been stressful for the reasons I would have predicted.  From what I understand, the first year of marriage is supposed to be stressful because of things like families, money, and that whole "honeymoon is over" thing.  But for us, that hasn't been the case... as two "oldest kids" who are also control freaks, we are a great team when it comes to managing money.  We like each others' families, there's no drama there.  And I still feel that whole "honeymoon" feeling all the time, so I don't know what that's about.  Nope, for us, the real stresses have been entirely external.

Stress Source #1: The big girl house.  In January when we left for our honeymoon, we listed my big girl condo for sale.  And we've had plenty of open houses and interest but the condo isn't selling.  We agonized and then agreed to drop the price to below what I paid, substantially, and still, no offers.  Definitely not what I was going for.

Stress Source #2: The 2-bedroom colonial.  When the condo didn't move, we tried to sell J.'s house to the tenant who currently lives there.  She was 100% financed through a special program and we were selling at a below-market price (at an enormous loss to us, another agonizing decision) and yet, the house still apprasied by the bank at far, far below the sale price.  The transaction fell through.  Now, we all know how banks work these days, especially when they are trying to avoid 100% financing situations (what?? you mean a bank might purposely under-appraise a risky transaction?), but it was still a huge disappointment- we had been through the ringer negotiating a contract with an unprofessional buyer's attorney and two people who didn't know much about the market or buying a house- so much irritating hand-holding with no reward.  We even attempted to bridge the gap a few weeks later, but then we were given an even worse offer on the house.  We stood our ground and walked away.  I stand behind the decision but it still stinks.

Stress Source #3: I have spent the last three months attempting to make a career change- complete with a near 50% potential pay cut and a totally different accompanying lifestyle.  The "target job" is something I know with absolute certainty that I want to do, but in this hiring market there is extreme competition for everything and it's nearly impossible to make a change- I'm lucky to have a job at all, let alone the job I have- and I know how good I have it.  Still, I hoped I could forge a modified path forward for myself.  And despite a lot of apparent promise and progress, I didn't get the job.  For very good reasons, none of which reflected on me or were in my control.  I was pretty bummed when I found out.  And of course, there was all that stress of trying to come up with a new budget for our household in the months leading up to that moment.  In retrospect it was good because we're living more leanly than ever and maximizing our money- but still, it was stress.



Well-meaning people have tried to make me feel better, saying things like "it wasn't meant to be" or "don't worry it will get better."  These things can feel a little patronizing when you're feeling trapped and stubborn, but the truth is that those well-meaning people are right.  There's good underneath all the stress.  In a strange way, these challenges have provided J. and I with an "us against the world" mentality that is both incredibly romantic and thoroughly grounding.  By forcing us to reexamine our priorities and goals, and make choices about what we want most, fate, it seems, is working to strengthen our marriage.



I personally hate phrases like "if you can't control the wind, adjust your sails."  But no platitude could more closely conform to our present situation.  And so, we're adjusting.  I don't know what we're going to do next and neither does J.   But we're going to loosen our grip because it's obvious we can't control anything (we tried, we failed).  I'm not the kind of person who believes in a benevolent universal force at work... I'm a realist and I know this could still end poorly.  But I do feel a safety in our one-ness, and a confidence that as long as we keep our sense of teamwork, it will be ok.  I mean, we've been married for 4 months, longer than most celebrities, so that's something at least!

So how are we adjusting our sails?  First, aggressive savings and a hardcore budget.  Suze Orman would approve.  Second, I'm expanding my bucket list... I signed up for another 10k in June, I'm searching for a fun place to go camping this summer, and I've decided to continue working on fixing up my condo whether it sells or not.   The master bedroom is getting painted dammit and I'm giving the textiles a makeover Amy Butler style (no throw pillow is safe).  I'm trying my hand at starting flower seedlings for my window boxes.  I am even going to start quilting (famous last words).  Third?  I'm going to start packing my lunch, because its less expensive and healthier.  It may not sound like a big deal to pack lunch, but for me it's huge- and it's a daily reminder of my commitment to the budget and the goals and to taking care of myself.  And it's nice to remember to be thankful for all that is good... one of the reasons why I've put honeymoon pics in this post, I'm definitely thankful we got that!!

Could this be what marriage is all about?  For better or for worse, right?

Now for the million dollar question... all you newlyweds and not-so-much-newbies out there, did you find your own marriages challenged in similar ways when you first started out?  War stories!