Tuesday, January 12, 2010

On Being a Big Girl

We are selling the townhouse.  Or at least, trying to sell it.  Yeah, about that...

One of the great things about getting married is that you get to go from "me" to "we."  One of the most challenging things about getting married is that you have to go from "me" to "we."  And if I had to make an educated guess, I would bet that for every year of life you have lived before you get married, this process is exponentially more challenging.  Take me for example.  I got married at 30.  So by the time I got married, I had put myself through school, I had established a "career" if that's what you want to call it.  And perhaps most importantly for me, I had purchased my own home.

[caption id="attachment_1998" align="aligncenter" width="223" caption="big girl fireplace"]big girl fireplace[/caption]

By way of background, I should say that growing up, I saw my parents go through serious financial difficulties after they got divorced, and the experience was pretty yuck for all involved.  It's really un-fun to go to school with a bunch of bourgeois upper middle class wannabes with their Clinique compacts and their Coach purses when you only get one pair of sneakers (from Payless)- it wasn't like we were destitute, but there were a few very rough years while my parents got back on their feet (which happened to coincide with my middle school years- my worst ever of my whole life, much to J.'s amusement).   Looking back, I honestly wouldn't change any of it though because I learned some lessons which absolutely speak to the person I am and what I strive to become:

* No matter how hard my life gets now, I know just how much I can survive so long as I have my family.  That knowledge brings me great comfort.

* I also learned that hard work and a vision can take you far.  It may not get you exactly where you want to go (i.e., becoming a lawyer wasn't exactly as awesome as I expected), but it will get you a lot further than you'd be without that plan (i.e., law school enabled me to build a new life for myself that I can be proud of, enabled me to support myself, to travel, to meet incredible people, etc.).

* People always say that money can't buy happiness, and of course that is true.  But when you don't have any money, it sure can feel like money is the solution.  It's not.  Having spent more and more time with Manhattan's upper crust, I am certain of this.  Nonetheless, financial independence is empowering.  Finding that place of "enough" is the hard part- the part I'm working on now.

* And perhaps most importantly, I learned that you always need to be able to stand on your own two feet.  You need to know you can take care of yourself no matter what happens, to know you do not need to be afraid, to know you'll be ok no matter what.  Otherwise you absolutely cannot make real, meaningful decisions with any confidence.

[caption id="attachment_1999" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="big girl kitchen renovation (my proudest accomplishment to date, you should have seen the "before"!)"]big girl kitchen renovation (my proudest accomplishment to date, you should have seen the "before")[/caption]

Now that you know these things about me, you may better understand why buying my own home was an important thing for me to accomplish on my "life list" before getting married.  Even though J. owned a darling two bedroom house when we met, something inside me told me I needed to buy my own place before we could do anything together.  My condo was a sort of culmination of milestones for me, and a chance for me to prove- to myself- my own independent woman status.  This is why my townhouse is affectionately known as my "big girl house."  Of course, about three months after I bought it, J. and I decided to move in together and we found a tenant to live in his house.  And we've lived happily ever after so far!

[caption id="attachment_2000" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="big girl bedroom complete with my first big girl bed"]big girl bedroom complete with my first big girl bed[/caption]

But sadly, my big girl house is no longer right for my life.  In fact, it's no longer my life, it's now our life.  For a variety of reasons including home values and monthly cost of owning, we have decided it is in our best interest to sell the big girl house.  I am excited about this change and I embrace it fully.  At the same time, I am struggling to let go of my fierce need to be so independent.  And I am surprised by the level of affection I feel toward my home.  Then again, it makes sense.  I have redone the entire place from top to bottom (on a budget no less!) and turned it into what I consider to be perfection.  From my grandmother's dining set to the photos on the staircase, this place is utterly me.  Which brings me back to point #1- marriage is about we.

[caption id="attachment_2001" align="aligncenter" width="223" caption="my big girl corner on one of the two verandas"]my big girl corner on one of the two verandas[/caption]

So last night sitting there in my condo living room typing this post, looking at the fireplace mantle that I personally installed by myself  like a big girl (with just a teenie bit of help from J.), I was thinking about the future and focusing on what comes next.  Because every time you say goodbye to a good memory it means you get to say hello to a new one.  I know, that sounds totally hackneyed and I apologize for it... but in all seriousness, I know in my heart that moving on is the right thing to do.  Just like buying this condo was.   Even though I might lose money selling it.  Even though I love my granite counter tops.  Because the decision to sell it has been made by us, with an eye toward a future that we are going to build together, and with the deep confidence that even if we make a mistake, it will somehow make us stronger and better.

Besides, I still have my "independent woman" Louis Vuitton bag (one of the last vestiges of my former life as a single gal, purchased to cheer myself up after a bad breakup and the best thing to have come from that relationship).  As long as that sucker has handles, you will see me carrying it!  Woot woot!

[caption id="attachment_2003" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="and a really big, big girl sofa!"]sofa[/caption]

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